By Ness Gunn
The timeline of grief is different for everyone, yet sometimes we think we must be like others. As Matthew’s birthday is on the horizon – almost 20 years old, I find myself reflecting on my grief, the loss and the journey it takes. The journey is never the same for everyone, it is important as you read this blog to keep that in mind and not feel that you should be doing any less or any more in coping with loss.
Matthew
Matthew was born at 9:21am on the 5th of May 2004. He had bilateral renal agenesis and heartbreakingly the decision was made to terminate the pregnancy. I say born, I always choose to say he was born on the 5th of May, never that he died. I don’t know if that brings me comfort or just confirms to others that I gave birth.
Sometimes, I wonder if others truly understood that often renal agenesis is not confirmed until the 20-week scan therefore your baby is born. You see their face formed, you hold them and you go through the pain of labour whilst you have to cope with the emotional pain of what will happen.
Celebrate
Over the years I have celebrated – although celebrate is perhaps not the word others might use. I do, I celebrate Matthew’s birthday. I try to spend the day taking care of myself, spending time reading the cards given to me at his funeral and looking over photos. Every year he has a card placed in the baby garden, and I always buy him flowers.
I used to buy a toy – I always tried to get him something I thought he might like, but then that got difficult. I couldn’t imagine a teenager that would now be a young man. For his 18th I placed a bottle of Guinness, perhaps thinking he could be a rugby-loving lad and his first drink should be a great stout! I often think others do not understand, often planning things and forgetting that I still need that time to sit and be in the moment.
Special Occasions
Perhaps you make the same visit on special occasions – maybe for you your child never aged and you leave the same small token each year. Maybe you buy gifts, maybe you set a place at the table. For his first Christmas, I did leave a chair empty, I also left out a stocking but that tradition drifted. Why? I could not say – perhaps over time I have felt less of a need to mark his absence. Perhaps I have just found other ways to indicate he is still in my memory and my heart, still a part of me.
Grief has no limits
We are not bound by time, grief has no limits. Certain birthdays have hurt more than others. When I found out I was pregnant with a little boy, I felt a mix of joy and pain. After 20 years, my grief has evolved. I still cry from time to time, my drive now is to do what I can to raise awareness. I do this in the hope he would have a sense of pride.
This road is not straight or easy and sometimes it can be lonely but I can promise you this. You are stronger than you will ever know and you have every right to grieve for your baby however you wish. Whether it is 2 days, 2 years or 20 years you can feel sad, you can talk about it and you can show love for your baby in any way that feels comfortable for you.
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves ebbing and flowing.
Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming.
All we can do is learn to swim.”
Vicki Harrison
