The thing about finding out “baby has no kidneys” at 20 weeks is you thought everything was OK. Your pregnancy had come this far, you would find out the sex.
You probably started buying little things. That first special bear, an outfit you saw that you could not resist!
But then you get to the anomaly scan and everything falls apart.
My parents did it, my mum, convinced I was having a boy, bought a white Winnie the Pooh from London. Blue material on the paws and ears with a little blue shirt. Pristine, expensive and a special bear, like my Harold from Harrods that I had as a baby.
A Tradition In Our Family
A tradition in our family, the grandparents bought a rather expensive special bear.
But what now? I couldn’t return it, it felt like I wasn’t honouring him, his little life lived only in the womb, never a chance to cuddle his bear. He wasn’t even the size of his own teddy at birth.
I kept it, the bear used to sit in my room as an ever-present reminder – a comfort.
Fortunately, I went on to have three more children. My first a little girl received her own special stuffed bunny rabbit pink from John Lewis stored in a hat box.
My second a son, who received his own special bear, the same design as my daughters.
My third, a ridiculously big fluffy brown bear but Nathan, my boy, he didn’t care for his bear, he found Matthew’s bear at just over 9 months old.
He took it straight out of its spot, I tried to take it back, tears.
So, I let him keep it, he named it Bear Bear.
Bear Bear
Nathan loved that bear. Took it everywhere with him, if he went to bed without him tears ensued, if he walked out of the door without Bear Bear we had to go back.
Nursery and the first year of school, Bear Bear was always tucked in his bag, naps and bed time safe and sound beside him. Bear Bear accompanied Nathan on his first climb of Yr Wyddfa (Snowdon) and sat on the summit.
That moment!
That amazing moment of adventure and it felt like Matthew had joined us too.
He has been loved
Bear Bear is worn, he’s not pure white or fluffy anymore. His T-shirt is lost but he has been loved.
Loved beyond recognition – no longer the bear dedicated to Matthew, but a bear gifted to a boy who loved him fiercely. Nathan knows the story of Bear Bear and how special he is to me; he has never been misplaced.
Nathan is 13 now and Bear Bear still has a place (just not in his school bag or in his bed).
Maybe the new tradition will be passing on Bear Bear to a grandchild in the future or maybe he is returned to me. Tired, worn and loved to remind me of the memories we have made in the wake of Matthew’s loss.
Symbol of hope
Perhaps you sit now holding on to toys or clothes that are a symbol of your hope and excitement of what was to come. You may not be able to look at them and they are safely stored for another day.
Perhaps for a much-loved baby, you will have in the future – a hand-me-down of sorts expected by siblings.
Maybe you gifted these things to someone who needed them or sent them back to the shop.
Whatever you chose you did what was right in that moment for you.
No regrets
Hanging onto Bear Bear became a decision I will never regret. The happiness at watching him being loved and pain as I realised, he would never look the same again, never be for Matthew, was a hard realisation but a process I needed to go through.
May you find your way to an adventure and realise your little one is with you, a part of you forever no matter what you do with the bear.
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