Finley’s Story
We waited for our 20 week scan which was booked for the 5th September 2025. I was anxious that day as with my older son we’d had a scare at our 20 week scan which thankfully was found to be nothing after a rescan 2 weeks later. So I was apprehensive for this scan with baby number 2. Everything seemed to be going okay until baby wouldn’t move and she couldn’t check all his organs. She also noticed there wasn’t much fluid round baby so she asked another colleague to come and check and they agreed that there was little fluid. We were told not to worry and we would be booked in for a specialist scan in 2 weeks time. The longest 2 weeks of my life. The scans pictures were so blurry and unclear. We were expecting everything to be fine like it had been with our other son’s 20 week scan. I drank so much water praying anything would help produce more fluid for our baby.
So 2 weeks passed and we went to the specialist on the 19th September and she said that my fluid had dropped even more and that she couldn’t find any kidneys. Our hearts dropped, I was in shock. No kidneys means not compatible with life. I felt sick to my core; I felt like I’d failed. I couldn’t save my baby. We was then referred to Liverpool women’s hospital and told to wait for a phone call, 20 minutes later on our way home we had a phone call from them asking us to come in Monday for another scan.
Over the weekend we decided we needed to name our precious baby boy, we wanted him to be referred to as a real person. We had a list of names but we decided on Finley. I’d wanted Finley from the start so I was so happy when my boyfriend agreed. It just felt right.
Monday came, 22nd September and sadly they couldn’t see any kidneys either so a diagnosis of Bilateral Renal Agenesis was given. We were heartbroken, we couldn’t believe what we were hearing. Why our baby? Why us? We were then offered two options – carry on with the pregnancy or have a termination, the same outcome either way. A stillborn baby that would never come home, a baby I’d never get to watch grow up. The decision was heart wrenching but a few days later we decided to have a termination for medical reasons. The procedure was absolutely horrifying. Something that will never leave me, the guilt still consumes me. But I didn’t want my baby to suffer anymore than he already had. And selfishly I couldn’t carry on with the pregnancy knowing the outcome wasn’t going to be what we had planned and dreamed of. We were sent home and told to go to Warrington hospital at 10am the following morning to be induced.
That next morning we went to the hospital. The wait for the first lot of tablets was painfully slow. But at about 3pm that afternoon the induction started and it began pretty much straight away, the pain was constant I had every pain relief they would give me, the pain and pressure was horrendous. This continued through out the evening and night until our precious baby boy was born sleeping at 00:02 Wednesday 1st October. The silence was deafening and I couldn’t believe I’d had my baby and he wasn’t alive. My heart was truly broken.
We picked out a knitted outfit and the midwife got him dressed for us. Finley was so fragile but at 23 weeks and 2 days he was a lot bigger than I was expecting but he was perfect. He looked exactly like his big brother. We spent time with Finley, cuddling him, getting his handprints and footprints and getting lots of pictures.
Going home at 7pm that evening was truly traumatising. Having to leave the hospital without my baby, but with a memory box instead was just something you can never imagine until you go through it. Leaving my baby behind just felt wrong.
We visited Finley the Thursday and Friday at the hospital until he went to the funeral home on the Friday afternoon and then we visited him every single day until a few days before his funeral – 2 weeks after he was born. I couldn’t not go and see him, I needed and wanted as much time with him as I know forever is going to be a long time without my baby boy.
I was in survival mode. I had my first born to look after at home, I had a funeral to arrange. I couldn’t process what was happening. And I think a month later I still don’t think I’ve processed what’s happened. Finley would of been due in January 2026, I think January will be when reality hits and I know for sure there’s no baby coming because right now my mind forgets and I’m still hopefully waiting for January to arrive. Until I’m heartbroken all over again when I realise what’s happened to my poor boy.
We had a small family funeral for Finley, it was heartbreaking. No coffin should ever be that small, no parent should have to lose a child.
The following week we were allowed to pick up Finley’s ashes in a beautiful blue butterfly urn and he’s now at home with us. Not in the way we ever intended or dreamed of but he’s forever with us. We’re now waiting for Finley’s headstone to be made and put in the local church’s graveyard.
The guilt of the decision I had to make so Finley never knew any pain but only love, eats at me every single day but I know I made that decision out of love and it was the right one. I like to think Finley forgives me as on the 1st of November – a month since my heart was ripped from me – a butterfly came to visit and sat on my hand for a while. The 1st of November is also the day babies come back to visit the living within the Day Of The Dead festival in Mexico, so I truly believe that the butterfly was my Finley, telling his mummy he’s okay. I needed that sign more than anything.
The support from both our parents and my Aunty Helen is something we are so grateful for and we couldn’t have got through this without them.
Bilateral Renal Agenesis is cruel and unfair. I send all my love and strength to any other parents who have to endure such a traumatic time in their lives.
My Finley will never be forgotten. Mummy and Daddy love you more than you will ever know our sweet boy. Sleep tight sweet dreams xxx
