Most people have never heard of a Termination of Fetal Anomaly until they are sitting in front of a fetal medicine consultant who has just informed them that their baby is too sick to survive, and they must now choose whether to proceed with their baby’s pregnancy or have a termination.
It is an utterly impossible situation to be in and it is a decision no parent ever expects to have to make.
Bilateral Renal Agenesis
In the UK a diagnosis of Bilateral Renal Agenesis is considered a fatal diagnosis. Parents are only given 2 options but neither of these options will see them bringing their baby home alive.
Terminations for fetal anomalies is three times more common than stillbirth and infant death combined (Prof Caroline Lafarge), and it is probably the least known area of baby loss.
Like many women, I have always been pro-choice, but I didn’t think I would ever have a termination, that was until I was sitting in front of a fetal medicine consultant who had just told me that our baby had no kidneys and wasn’t going to survive.
Expected them to do something to help
A termination didn’t enter my head, I fully expected them to be able to do something to help my baby but sadly no, they said there was nothing they could do. So, we were sent home with no information about what would happen if we terminated or if we continued our baby’s pregnancy. How are you supposed to make a decision like that with little to no information?
There are many theories about the well-being of a Bilateral Renal Agenesis baby while they are still in the womb. Some have said that their baby didn’t feel any pain, some felt that if there was no fluid then their baby would be crushed, some baby’s appear comfortable, while others have shown signs of distress, some have been told their baby’s won’t be born alive, while others have been told there is a possibility their baby will be born alive.
Endless Questions
It is a melting pot of endless questions back and forth with no one able to give you a definitive answer and no one can make the decision for you.
The weight of this decision can be carried for a lifetime. Having a termination after a diagnosis of Bilateral Renal Agenesis carries a lot of guilt and adds another layer to the grief.
I felt like I had done this! I had ended my baby life because I had consented to take a tablet which would stop my baby’s pregnancy. Not only had my body failed them but now I was deciding when they came into this world. How could I do this to my much loved, longed for and wanted baby?
Endless thoughts, endless grief, and endless guilt and asking yourself how am I going to survive this? How am I going to live my life without my baby?
A Little Less Raw
But there does come a day when the guilt feels a little less heavy, a little less raw. And this length of time will be different for everyone.
There will be a day when you know you did the right thing for you and for your baby. There will come a day when you are able to see that it wasn’t your fault. There will come a day when you make some peace with your decision because you will know that you took on a lifetime of pain so that your baby didn’t suffer.
❤️💙🤍
