Before you read this post, I would like to note that each person will have a different experience. Some have good, supportive experiences and some have bad, unsupportive experiences. Still, we wanted to write this post to highlight some of the regrets that some of us have experienced post-loss, in the hope that those who find us pre-loss may be better informed or prepared so that they don’t have the same regrets.
My son was born in the middle of winter after a devastating week of hospital appointments, scans, and much confusion.
After being told that our child was going to die, I was now expected to have the presence of mind to be able to pack a hospital bag of all the things I would need while we were in the hospital.
This was our first child therefore I had no idea what to pack and to be honest, I didn’t want to pack that bag.
That bag meant my child was going to be born 4 months too early, that bag meant that my baby was going to die and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
What I packed was basic, some clothes for me, and a wash bag. I didn’t think to pack anything for our baby, any food, or any drinks. Thank goodness my mum who was going to be there with us packed the things we didn’t know we would need.
Lack of information
I wondered several years later why the hospital hadn’t given me any information about what to expect from my hospital stay. There were so many questions I didn’t think at the time, how long could I stay with my baby? Could I bathe my baby? Should I dress my baby? Could family come and visit our baby? Could we take our baby home for a night? There was just no information and sadly we are not alone in having these questions.
Regrets
Many parents have regrets after losing their baby following a Bilateral Renal Agenesis diagnosis. The shock of the diagnosis; the decision to be made in terminating for medical reasons or to carry on with your pregnancy until your sweet baby is born; the small time frame in which all these decisions must be made. It is so much to process for parents.
‘I regret not having a photo of her when she was alive,
I regret not knowing the exact time of her death,
These are things that weren’t explained to me on the day.’
‘My biggest regret is that my family never got to meet him. I had no idea that they could come and visit us at the hospital or that we could have taken him home in a cold cot for 24hrs.’
‘I regret not bringing in clothes for him, all the clothes I had bought were too big, so I didn’t take anything. I didn’t know that there were charities’ giving parents like us little outfits which he could have worn.’
Going into the hospital now, knowing what we know we may have asked more questions.
- How long can I stay with my baby after they are born?
- What will my baby look like when they are born?
- Can I dress my baby?
- Can I take my baby home for 24hrs?
- What will happen to my baby after they are born?
- Can I have a funeral for my baby?
Sadly, the list of questions and regrets may be endless but by raising awareness we can hopefully stop another family from having any regrets.
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* The author would like to note that at the time they lost their baby, there was a major investigation into crematoriums in their area which resulted in the local hospital removing all information which would have been given to bereaved parents or parents going through a TFMR, and there was not substitute information given at that time *
